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When I found out I was pregnant with my first son, I thought I knew everything there was to know about being a parent. (as if)! I had already read every What to Expect book and took every silly new mom quiz I could find – I really thought I had parenting down to a T.
So, the day my water broke, I found myself soaked to my knees in the hospital parking lot completely unprepared for what I was walking into.
Of all the advise I read, it ALL forgot to mention one thing, what actually happens during labor!!– (I mean why would they be so mean)?!!
Walking into that hospital, I suddenly realized I had to get the baby out and begin to freak out! Let’s just say getting the baby out is the least of your worries once you realize all of this happens.
- Eating. Let’s just say this, I didn’t just gain fifty pounds of pregnancy weight just by staring at food. I mean when you’re pregnant you finally have the perfect excuse to hog out. So, I never expected to be told I couldn’t have food during the most strenuous time in my life. Needless to say, it took two labors, but with the third I finally got smart and made my husband stop at Burger King on my way to the hospital for a big juicy Whopper.
- Sleeping. If someone would have told me I would have been snoring away while in active labor, I would have laughed and called them crazy. Fast forward to ten minutes after my epidural and I was in lala land. Had my husband not woken me up to tell me he clogged the toilet (that’s another true story) I probably would have given birth in my sleep, got famous and would have had my own reality show.
- Pictures. Ladies beware no one really cares what you look like. Once that sweet baby is born, you’ll be old news. Your feelings won’t matter. Pictures will be taken. Pictures of you looking like death. Pictures that will be posted on every social media account for who knows who and everyone to see. If you thought that yearbook photo looked bad, be prepared you haven’t seen bad yet.
- A lady cath may just be given. After I got my epidural, my nurse was nice enough to ask if I had to pee. Stupid me, said yes. Trick question. I wasn’t going anywhere and she knew that. So, when she started pulling out a large lady cath, I thought it would hurt like the dickens. But, ladies, this one actually hurts worse for the men, Pregnancy HIGH FIVE!!
- A contractions monitor goes where?! The lady cath is nothing to worry about once you see the contraction monitor that they will stick up your you know where!
- Your baby and your husband go missing! Woo-aah hold on now. They don’t actually go missing, it just feels that way. After birth, your baby is usually whisked away and your husband has to follow to make sure you take your baby home. Breath easy now.
- Baby is born, time to pick your guess the weight winner. Wrong. You actually don’t get to find out the baby’s weight until he/she has been cleaned up and the nurses get a chance to do it, sadly it can take hours.
- Poop. Everyone knows babies poop, so why am I telling you this. Well, pregnant mama, I’m actually talking about you. Be prepared to poop in front of a whole room of spectators. Your husband may never look at you the same again.
- Pushing. If pooping scared you, I forgot to mention, pooping will be the last thing in your mind after pushing for two or more miserable hours.
- The healing process. After birth you won’t just get up and run a marathon, in fact, you may not be doing any walking. Even worse, you may be begging to wear an ice pack diaper to keep your hoo-ha from burning in pain.
- Getting intimate with someone other than your husband. If you’re expecting to hold your husband’s hand while you have a giant needle rammed into your back, think again. Most of the time, nurses actually insist you hold their hand and hug a pillow while having an epidural shoved through your back.
- After birth, you will bleed for weeks. The bleeding is not quite as bad as a period, but it is still bothersome. Did I mention you can only use pads and take showers? To make matters worse, after birth you will be expected (and grateful) to wear fish-net undies and diaper thick pads.
- Sticking cabbage in your bra. Okay, after birth we all know new mothers start to produce breast milk, but what happens when a new mom doesn’t breastfeed? She uses cabbage! Cabbage will be your breast-friend (no pun intended) for days after birth. Cabbage quickly dries of milk and keeps a new mom from unexpected leaks.
- Looking pregnant days, or months after birth. If you thought you would just squeeze into those size 0 jeans two days after birth, think again. After giving birth you will probably hate your body. Your stomach will still look pregnant, your feet will be swollen and random strangers will still have the nerve to ask you when you are due. (all while looking at your sweet newborn’s face)
- You will immediately forget about all of the above once that sweet baby is in your arms. You may even tell your hubby you’re ready for number 2 while laying in the hospital bed.
What was one thing about giving birth you wish someone would have told you?